Quarantine life has surely caused a surge in dating app use. We’re all yearning for connection, and this social distancing situation has really put all of our – well, I’ll speak for myself, MY! – “singledom” under a microscope. So, dating apps to the rescue!
Through my heightened use of dating apps, I’ve had the good fortune of experiencing some weird as hell dudes. Is quarantine bringing out the worst in people online? Methinks yes. I’ve therefore decided to classify each of these oddballs into one of the below five categories. Hopefully, you can relate to meeting at least one of these characters. And if you’re in a relationship, well congrats to you but goodbye.
So, here are the five types of guys you’ll “meet” on the dating apps during quarantine:
The desperate guy
This poor guy is so lonely right now. He won’t stop texting you and is basically ready to give you the link to his family’s Zoom conference calls to introduce you to his parents. You can tell that he just went through a breakup and that he’s using you as a rebound, but he has no idea he’s being that transparent or that he’s giving off such a vibe of desperation. He’s also being too overly kind, because yes he’s proven that is possible. Like, keeps asking you every hour on the hour “how you’re doing” as if he were your dad. I’ve been staring at the wall…I have 0 updates on how I’m doing!!! You’re trying to ghost him but worry he won’t be okay if you do, so you’re waiting until quarantine is over to do so.
The cliche guy
This guy is my worst nightmare. He’s annoying AF. He’s saying every cliche saying to ever exist during COVID-19; like, “weird times!”. Or, he just keeps making hack jokes about forgetting what the “outside world” looks like or how he’s been wearing the same sweatpants for five days. Even worse, he continues to ask you in-depth questions about the virus, like, “have you been exposed?”, “have you been wearing a mask?”, and so on. He’s so boring and, even more painful, socially inept. The dating apps are not, and will never be, this man’s time to shine.
The paranoid guy
This guy thinks he’s sick and can’t stop talking about his symptoms. But let’s be clear, HE IS NOT SICK! He’s so paranoid about getting sick that he can’t even help talking to you – a random girl who he’s never even met IRL – about his dry throat and the fact that he can’t taste his water. Yeah, water is tasteless, bro. He interrupts his negative thoughts to ask you a few questions about yourself, but somehow always brings it back to his anxiety around the whole situation. He is certainly not ready for a relationship right now, EVEN a virtual one.
The irresponsible guy
Normally, I’d just call this guy a f*ckboy. But f*ckboys have taken on a whole new meaning in the face of this pandemic!
This guy is on dating apps still trying to meet up with girls. He doesn’t GAF about social distancing. He keeps dropping hints on the apps alluding to you coming over to his place to hook up with him, but he won’t flat-out say that. Instead, he’ll say things like, “it would be a lot less lonely if we could work from home together,” or maybe even more annoying things like, “have you cheated and hung out with anyone yet???”. (Vomit to the latter). He knows just what buttons to push and just the right heartstrings to tug at to get you to be as irresponsible as him and meet up in person. But you’re better than that, and you will ghost him immediately.
The normal guy
Yay! You met the normal guy!
This guy is doing everything right. He’s being a gentleman, asking how you’re holding up but is still competent enough to keep things relatively normal during this time. As in, he knows you don’t need a pen pal right now, or ANOTHER person to talk about quarantine with. So he’s actually trying to get to know you without sending one thousand overbearing texts.
He also realizes that virtual dates are our reality now, and wants to FaceTime with you. He’s actually making moves to show you he’s interested and willing to work with this strange situation we’re currently facing! And you can’t wait to meet him once this is actually over.
I also shared this over on www.girlandthe.com!